(This article was never published, indeed it was never finished at all. The above date was the last time the Word file was modified, and had it been completed, it would have been hosted at the now defunct website Eye of Harmony. It is not up to my current standard of writing, does not accurately represent my current opinions in places, and has not been altered in any way from its original state. This is what was written of my attempt to “fix” the 2010 MTV Movie Awards opening skit. I don’t know where it would have gone from here, I have absolutely no recollection of what I wanted to do or how. It is preserved here for archival purposes only, and that should be taken into account before reading.)
The MTV Movie Awards.
Yeah, it’s not exactly the most inspiring of titles, is it?
However, despite the name painting the word “SHIT” in the sky in fifty foot lettering, it has one saving grace: the opening parody scene. For the uninitiated, this is where the hosts of that year’s show participate in a parody of current movies as they prepare for hosting the show.
It should be noted, then, that the 2003 show features quite possibly the best parody movie (even if it is a short) made in decades. It’s the anti-“Movie” Movie. Don’t know what I mean? Epic Movie. Meet the Spartans. Disaster Movie. ‘Nuff said. If you’ve tortured yourself with these abominations calling themselves ‘films’ borne of the Cerberus of Cinema Hell that is Friedberg and Seltzer, this 10 minute segment is glorious. If it ever came into contact with such cinematic eyesores as those listed above, the universe would explode.
The skit starts with the hosts, Justin Timberlake and “that guy who got peed on in American Pie” (their own words, people), being whisked away by the Keymaster into the world of the Matrix. Cue the MTV Movie Awards’ trademark style, where one or two big movies of the time are parodied using a combination of stock footage, celebrity cameos and clever editing. Personal favourite moments of mine include Timberlake punching William-Scott ‘for real’ (as opposed to the Matrix’s fake-y style), the Zion raver (“Duh! It’s obviously an underground city where the last remaining humans live and the robots are coming to kill us. Doesn’t that just make you wanna party?”) and Will Ferrell as the Architect arguing with Keanu Reeves’ stock footage (“I’m the one who talks! Okay? Mouth shut, ears open!” “You haven’t answered-” “You do NOT want to see me get out of this chair!”). Yes, it’s stupid, but it’s freaking Airplane! compared to anything Cerberus up there’s crapped out.
So, imagine my delight when I discovered my sister had recorded the 2010 Movie Awards and had left it on the Sky+ hard drive.
You know, I thought of something while watching this: They’re getting closer to Cerberus’ style. The 2003 skit didn’t refer to much beside The Matrix Reloaded, but that’s because they were focusing on the one movie. Even then, there were references to Dig Dug and Frogger. Now though, they’re giving lots of different movies the skewer, but only do very recent ones, like Precious, that Sandra Bullock movie that got an Oscar for some reason, and the Karate Kid remake. Tom Cruise reprises his role from Tropic Thunder, which as a movie more than a year old would be far too obscure for Cerberus, but that’s only due to the fact that Cruise is co-hosting.
Now, I know I’m ignoring a pretty big elephant in the room. See, the MTV Movie Awards are aiming at what’s known as the American Mass Market, i.e. as many Americans as possible. That means you’re aiming at people who haven’t heard of the Beatles. Hell, you’re aiming at people who, by their own admission, don’t know who won World War II. So, you’re not exactly going to expect references to the works of David Lean or La dolce vita, but why do you have to parody current films only? Every… Most… Some Americans have memories longer than a goldfish’s, you know. I’m not expecting obscure stuff, but why not reference some classics? Granted, for the audience, it would have to be very well known, and thus already done to death, but why not just reference classics as part of the current films’ parodies?
So despite some great lines, especially from Cruise’s closing monologue kicking off the show proper (“I’m gonna take this lump of coal, shove it up my [BLEEP], clench my butt-cheeks together, and over these next two hours, [BLEEP] out a diamond. But I swear to God, if any of you celebrities [BLEEP] up my diamond, I’m gonna [BLEEP] [BLEEP] you so hard you won’t be able to walk.”), I have to say, I wasn’t too impressed with this year’s offering. Therefore, in the spirit of ‘let’s see you do better’, I decided to have a go at doing better. Bear in mind though, this is supposed to be for Americans, so expect the usual MTV level of stupidity and bleeped dialogue. The show proper had a guy I never heard of as host, so I decided to cast a surprise celebrity as this version’s host. I’m not limiting myself to who would reasonably do this, I’m just putting in whoever I feel like. Also, I’ve no idea who to cast as the producer and their assistant, so imagine whoever you like in the roles.
To start us off, I can think of nothing better than the closing line of the real opening:
“Enjoy. (long pause) START THE OPENING, [BLEEP] IT!!!”
INT. GREEN ROOM – NIGHT
PRODUCER and ASSISTANT sit opposite each other at a table laden with snacks